A New Diagnosis & Perhaps A New Plan

The latest developments in my struggle against my disease is that it has been determined that I have a mood disorder in addtion to depression. I realize that this might be confusing (since it was confusing to me). I always thought that depression was a mood disorder. Depression does affect mood, but a mood disorder is somewhat different in that it involves extreme changes in mood, such as manic depression (now called bi-polar). Although I do not suffer from bi-polar (and far from it! I never clean the house till 3am in the morning. I'm lucky if I clean the house at all), I do have some of the characteristics and symptoms of it. My thoughts often change quickly from one subject to another (this is known as racing thoughts). Sometimes I find myself able to have sex a number of times a day, but then my mood changes and I can go weeks without really feeling in the mood. I have found myself very talkative at times (where I guess I talk too much but never really noticed).

Now I have started taking a mood stabilizer called Lamictal, 25mg a day to start. I also take Cymbalta, 30mg 3 times a day, for depression. In addition, I also take enteric coated fish oil pills with Omega 3. It seems that a high enough dosage of fish oil with Omega 3 (about 6000mg) reduces impulsive anger. Plus it helps my heart and cholesterol level, not that they are in need of help but it can't hurt. Along with a change in medicine, I also have other changes. I have been thinking of pursuing a Master's degree. This would help me to make even more money and lift my self esteem, if I decide to pursue it. I have my fake transcript all set to send to the school. I'm going to stick to what I know best, which is business.

It's all just reading and business theory. Basically, a bunch of crap (in my opinion). The reason why I think it is crap is because when you look at any super successful businessman, did they get their success by learning all of this? Take Bill Gates for example, he dropped out of Harvard to start Microsoft, "borrowed" the idea for Windows from the dudes who created Apple Computers, and now he is a billionaire. So my question is, how did he get so successful if he didn't sit through hours of business classes, such as Business Ethics? I don't get it. I think getting a degree in Business will get you a job, but it won't get you "ahead" in life. If you want to be rich, you need to think and do as Bill Gates. He saw an opportunity and he took it (literally). Perhaps what it really comes down to is being in the right place at the right time.

I wish I was that lucky. Usually I am in the wrong place at the wrong time. I never really feel lucky or blessed. I pretty much go through life feeling cursed and even hated by God. When you are imprisoned by depression and self doubt, it's hard to feel loved. I guess life is what we make of it but it is hard to make something of it when you don't feel like it. Everything is based on what we feel we can do, not just what we can do. I may be able to finish school, but if I don't feel I can finish then I won't and it reinforces my feeling that I can not do anything. What I need is a little sign from above showing me that I can be a success, and then I will believe in myself. I realize it doesn't work that way, but that is what I need and why life is so tough for me. Not everyone knows who they are or what direction to take or even cares. What these people need is assistance so that they can accomplish what others accomplish who do not have this disadvantage. This disadvantage is the equivalent of a child of an impoverished family wanting to go to college. Is it fair to say, "No you can not go to college because you are poor. Tough cookies". Of course it's not fair, so programs are set up to help so that everyone can go to college and not worry about not having the money to pay for it (and these days with the price of college, who does have the money to pay for it?).

Right now I have been considering talking to a lawyer about filing a lawsuit against the college I went to and where I was not able to finish. The school is responsible for seeing that every student has an equal opportunity and I was not given that opportunity so I would like a full refund. I was not given what I paid for. I plan to keep contacting the college till I get some answers. I will not give up on this because I believe it makes perfect sense.

Click here to read the rest of the post!

No Easy Answers

If one wants a well paying job, there are no other options but to go to college. Society offers no other choices to anyone. What if someone due to disability can not successfully complete college (although they want to) or does not have the skills that employers are looking for (such as organizational skills) or is unhappy and unsatisfied with low paying jobs? The requirements that employers look for are not fair for all. Some might respond by saying, "That's exactly the point, they're not supposed to be".

Then I ask, "What is to become of those who do not meet these requirements"? What options are available to them? Are they just expected to wander aimlessly with no direction till they just give up on life and finding happiness, and then commit suicide? Is that fair? Perhaps then there should be centers set up (such as suicide centers) that could end these people's pointless existence and suffering. I certainly would go and I could leave all my failure behind. There needs to be a fair opportunity for one and all. I know what readers might say, that life is not fair. That is true, however society should realize that we should try extra hard to make life fair for all because of that fact. If racism occurs in the hiring process, people say that that isn't fair (which I of course agree).

Playing Devil's advocate for a moment, I could respond and say, "Well, life isn't fair. I guess you should have been born a different race". It's the same exact thing. Just like someone shouldn't be treated unfairly because of the color of their skin, people shouldn't be treated unfairly because of a disability. Not to mention, no one can control what race they are born, just like no one can control if they are born with or later develop a disability. Just like affirmative action helped to reverse the damage done by racism in the hiring process, the same should be done for people with disabilities. I think if one can not meet up to the rules, then the rules need to bend or change. There needs to be other options available. What options? I do not know. I felt forced by society with it's tough as nails requirements and mentality to lie and cheat (I would even steal if I have to). I would do anything within my abilities to survive and to balance the scales that were imbalanced before.

Perhaps one way that could help those to finish college that are having difficulties is for the government to completely pay for that person's education, no matter how long it takes that person to finish, as long as they are diagnosed with a disability that interferes with day to day activities. Also they would pay the disabled person annually a reasonable amount to live on (eg 30,000). That way if the person is beginning to get up in age and still hasn't finished college, they can at least have a car and a place to live. This would also allow the disabled individual to retain a feeling of self confidence. If the government or tax payers get frustrated that the student is taking too long to finish and it is costing too much, then perhaps the student could just be given an "honorary" bachelor's or even master's degree from a prestigious college or university (perhaps ivy league) so that they can then move on to finding a worthwhile occupation.

I know this idea probably sounds absurd to most people, but how about living with the feeling that all you want to do when you wake up in the morning is put a gun in your own mouth and pull the trigger (now try going to college too, AND then imagine how wonderful you feel when you worked your hardest only to get your test back and find out you got an "F")(you might see that after a while you just want to give up on EVERYTHING especially life). I would give anything to be normal. I would sell my soul to the Devil than suffer with these feelings and I think the idea I suggested (about the government picking up the tab or perhaps even the educational institution) is a small price to pay someone who suffers with these set backs.

Believe me, it is a living Hell, and a living Hell I wouldn't wish on anyone. I'm sorry to bother readers with my mental garbage, but I just really get sick of hearing about how important it is to go to school and how employers like potential employees to have "this" or be like "that". Well, excuuuuuuuse me! Yeah, and I would love to wake up one morning and find out that my life was just some horrible nightmare but I don't think that that is going to happen anytime soon. Personally, I think employers are a bunch of dumbas*es and reform is needed in the business world. To me, it seems odd that we live in an imperfect world yet people are expected, even required, to be perfect. Hypothetically, if I had finished college but just barely finished with a low GPA, basically grades that are average or slightly lower than average. Would I have the same opportunities as someone who finished with a 4.0 GPA? I highly doubt it. My question is why? No one is perfect and can be expected to be perfect. Everyone has different levels of intelligence and, thusly it is unfair to measure everyone by the same "yardstick". If I held a basketball competition between two people and one of them was 4 foot tall and the other was a 7 foot tall professional basketball player, many people would say that it is an unfair competition. Really? Why? They are both able to jump and use their arms and legs. Why would it be unfair? Could it be considered unfair because one of the individuals has an advantage or better abilities than the other?

That's the world we live in. How is the 4 foot tall person expected to compete? Can that person force themselves to grow an additional 3 feet? There is nothing that person can do but fail that particular competition. My best advice to the 4 foot tall person would be to cheat (punch the 7 foot guy in the balls (if he is a "he") or trip him up, do whatever it takes to win). Afterall, that is the message our wonderful society tells us all. Win no matter what the cost. If you find you can not win legitimately, then one is left with no other option but to cheat because our society gives no other options.

Click here to read the rest of the post!