Introduction

So here I am.

I am new to weblogging (more commonly known as blogging).

Apparently, I am finding out, blogs have been around for a number of years now and I wasn't even aware of it. I am rather surprised but only because I consider myself very web savvy. I taught myself html, some web design and web development. Eventually I decided to go for more formalized training at a two year college in my home state of New Jersey but didn't complete the program (I'll get more into that later on). I did complete a Web Development crash course at Fairleigh-Dickinson University in Madison, NJ.

Just want to also give a warning to any potential readers that I do have a tendency to ramble on about topics, so I hope you can bear with me. I also want to let others know that my writings here will be in its raw form, that I do not consider myself a writer and that I write as I feel the urge to expel any thoughts or feelings that I need to express. If I say something that perhaps makes me come off as an idiot or perhaps doesn't make sense to you as a reader, please forgive me and realize that I am just writing it as I feel. I will try my best to avoid profanity as much as possible.

In regards to who I am, I would prefer to remain anonymous. What I can tell you is that I am a male, 36 years old, I suffer from major depression (you might see why now I would like to remain anonymous) and other emotional difficulties, and I live in the United States. I used to live in New Jersey (where I grew up) but have since moved to another part of the country. I enjoy working with computers and pretty much all of what I know about them, is self taught. I never was able to finish college after I completed high school.

High school was rough. It wasn't rough becuase it was in a bad part of New Jersey. On the contrary, it was in a typical suburban area. What made high school rather challenging was because a bunch of other kids attending school didn't seem to like me very much. Perhaps they were jealous of me (I am 6ft blond hair and blue eyes) or perhaps they were just idiots and a**holes. I tend to believe it is a little of both. While attending school I also had friends, not a lot, but I had some friends. Some I am still friends with and some I didn't stay in touch with. I also had a dream, and that dream was to get the Hell out of high school and away from the a**holes as fast as I could. Other than that, not much else. Well, to be honest I wanted to perhaps get into radio or television. I loved music and had/have favorite tv shows. As far as my favorite subjects in school, I guess I would have to say: Lunch and going home. Around the age of 15 I started developing depression (and after all why not? Everyone needs a hobby) (By the way, I also have a strange sense of humor so feel free to laugh at my bizarre comments (or don't laugh because how will I know, you are reading this on the Internet; laugh for your own benefit, you silly))

Having a natural pre-disposition to depression (a close family member suffers from it too) and a personality disorder (most likely borderline personality disorder), and then on top of all that throw in having to deal with the typical pressures you face during adolescence (i.e. dealing with the idiot a**holes (if someone reading this was an idiot a**hole in school growing up, no offense but you really needed to get your head examined; I mean why would you want to make someone feel horrible everyday? I don't get it, never did and never will.)), you get a recipe for disaster. I made it, though. The idiot a**holes didn't stop me. I graduated high school, woo hoo! That was 1987 (remember I am 36 years old).

I decided to go to a small private 4 year college about an hours ride from my home town. It was a nice school, rather old but slowly modernized as the years went by. I made some friends with a lot of people there. Still had no real clue what I wanted to do, except maybe, perhaps do something in radio or television. Since Communications was not a major at that time at the school, I decided to major in Sociology and get a certificate in Communications. After hearing the news in Sociology class one day that we are expected to complete a 30 page research paper, I was like I can't do THAT. I thought, "How the Hell am I going to do that?" I decided to talk over my feelings with the professor.

The professor was a very nice woman who told me she would offer me some assistance, but what she didn't realize was that I needed her to do the whole thing for me! Not help me with it. I just knew inside that I did not have what it takes to do this paper. Worse yet, I didn't really want to do it. I didn't want to do anything. Why? I don't know. I attribute it to the fact that I have no real ambition. I do not have what is known as: drive or a passion for something. I just do not have it. I also lack some self confidence. With this in front of me, I realized that perhaps (just perhaps, mind you) Sociology might not be for me. So I did a change of majors to English. Needless to say for someone who does not do well or like doing papers, this was a BIG mistake. Might I also add, I have a lot of trouble concentrating so reading is something I tend to avoid as well. However, on the rare occasion I read, I do enjoy books and have read many novels by well known authors (some of my favorites are Sherlock Holmes stories by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle). I have had my aptitude tested, and I scored above average in intelligence. Strange. I have heard that Einstein didn't do well in Math, but he must have at least enjoyed reading. Not that I am comparing myself to Einstein (never in a million years!) but I do consider myself a reasonably intelligent person, restricted by this rather annoying tendency.

To be continued...