Where Does the Time Go?
I realize I have not posted anything new, but didn't realize that a month has gone by. That is part of the uphill battle that I have faced my whole life. My interest and attention wanes. Comes and goes as it pleases. One minute I am avidly interested in something and then the next I don't feel like doing it, and then my interest comes back, only to disappear again. I don't think this is normal. Especially when it is something you usually enjoy doing. I also think about things I would like to do and that I might even be good at, such as writing a screenplay (I have a few ideas) but I just can't get past the feeling of wanting to do it or dreaming about doing it. It never comes to fruition. Perhaps I am afraid to do it because I am afraid to fail; because I know (or at least I think I know) I will fail. Someone reading this might now think, "No wonder he hasn't gotten anywhere in life". If one does not believe in oneself how does one become something or succeed in life? Can one succeed in life if they don't believe in themselves or even feel like doing anything? I already know my answer to that question (hint: it starts with an "n").
Yet another part is my perception of time. Sometimes it is hard for me to realize how much time goes by. A month went by and I barely was aware of it. To me it only feels like a couple of weeks went by. Twenty years went by and it doesn't seem like that much time went by. What have I accomplished during that time? Not a whole lot. I spend time wishing I could go back and change so many things. Sometimes I even wish I could go back and somehow prevent my own birth from occurring if I had access to a time machine. Maybe I could go back in time to a point before my dad got married. I could become my dad's friend and convince him that having one child is much better than having two (since I was the second born). Perhaps even convince him to move out of New Jersey and head for the sunny shores of California. That way if I am destined to be born no matter what I do, at least I will be born somewhere I wish I could be and that could change my life for the better. Suppose I was able to go back in time and prevent my birth from taking place. Then I never would have been born. However, if I was never born then I never would have been able to go back in time in the first place to prevent my birth, and wouldn't my birth occur nevertheless? Quite the paradox.
This time of the year can be especially sad. My father's birthday is April 4th. I am quite happy he was born since he is very special to me. The sad part is that he passed away. My mother gets very sad this time of year not having him there with her. It is quite understandable. Last year around this time she was very sad and it might not have been just the fact that my father was not alive anymore. I was having a tough time finding work, the Social Security Department claimed I owed them $50,000 in disabilty pay I wasn't entitled to (in their infinite wisdom, I was diagnosed as disabled with mental illness by a doctor THEY sent me to), and I had about $100 in my bank account, not to mention the apartment complex I was living at was having me evicted since I was having difficulty paying rent. Although I am always racked with guilt (as a result of mental illness) I do not feel that any of these difficulties were my fault. I was job searching endlessly, to the point I was sick of searching. I sent out and hand delivered my resumes full of all the impressive fake information on them (after all, I wanted to GET a job, not get rejected so my truthful job history and education would not be much help). I figure if you can lie and get away with it and no one gets hurt, go right ahead. The corporations set up the standard, and I'm just living up to that standard the best I can and giving them what they want. It's all a pack of lies but I am giving them what they want. It's a win-win situation.
My mother and I talked on or around Easter of last year. We talked two times that day and the conversations were very pleasant. I kept the conversation upbeat because I was trying to think positively. The next day was a Monday and as I was getting ready for my temp job, my brother called early in the morning. He told me that she tried to kill herself. Apparently she also changed her mind and immediately after her attempt, she then called 911. She was in Somerset Medical Center's Emergency Room unconscience for a few days. Her blood pressure was low and I think they had to pump her stomach. He would visit her in the hospital and keep me informed as to her progress. My brother tends to be a self-centered, unsympathetic, incompassionate a**hole (if I may be blunt) so this kind of behavior was pretty impressive for him. Usually he does not offer much sympathy to anyone but expects all the sympathy for his own plight, whatever it may be. I theorize, that he feels (albeit subconsciously) that he is the center of the Universe and everything revolves around him. That his happiness and pleasure come before anyone else's.
It has always been difficult for me to grow up with my older brother. From his behavior through the years all the way to the present, he has acted incredibly immature and irresponsible. While growing up, I never really felt that his actions reflected that of an older brother (or a brother at all, in fact). He never protected me from kids that picked on me or hardly ever showed that he even cared. He DID help me to meet the high school psychiatrist and get assistance from her. I do give him credit for helping me to get in touch with people who help kids with psychological and emotional problems. He also did offer advice to me to try to help with the a**hole kids that gave me a hard time in school. Other than that, that was about the extent of his care and concern. Don't get me wrong, we spent time together doing things but looking back it was usually because he got something out of it. He didn't spend time with me because he wanted to do something nice for me. Even on Christmas and his birthday, if I didn't buy him a gift that he liked he would be bummed out the whole day. Yet the gifts he got me were nothing to brag about. I even found out that the gift he got me one year was just one of the free gifts you get when you sign up for a bank account. This wasn't even while we were teenagers but into adulthood. Even when I was on disability and had no money to spend I would do the best I could. He still wanted me to buy him a gift that cost $60 or $70 dollars, and the gift he got me cost him nothing!
I didn't even get any sympathy from my brother when I couldn't work due to depression. His general attitude (and his actual words, many-a-time) was, "Get a job". It almost seemed like he loved to instigate fights with me too. For instance, one time I was in my room with my back to the door as he came in. Out of the corner of my eye I saw him put something down and I turned as he started to leave. I simply asked him nicely, "What did you put in my room"? He then says with his usual crappy attitude in his voice, "Whatya gotta know for"? I responded, "Because I might like to read it". He then said something to me in reference to an incident earlier in the day where he failed to pick me up when he was supposed to. In that particular incident, he finally showed up at the school to pick me up after I had to call home to ask where he was. He doesn't even apologize for forgetting. I was very annoyed and I admit I was out of line because when I got in the car and we started driving off I asked, "How could you forget? Are you retarded or something"? He then back hands me in the face (which I didn't deserve) and I made a quick escape from the car. I didn't have my glasses since he had knocked them off my face but I was able to see fairly decent enough to get away. We hadn't gotten too far from the school so I ran to one of the school psychologists who I got help from and who was standing in front of the school. She took me inside the school and I explained what happened. She was nice enough to drop me off at home. As she drove off, I went inside to lay down since I was emotionally drained. One would think the story ends here, but wait there's more. I wake up to hear someone knocking on the front door. It was one of the school administrators. She had some of my belongings, books, coat, etc. She told me that some car came driving by the outside picnic area of the school and through all my stuff out of the car window. Yep, you guessed it. My a**hole brother. As usual he went into some kind of rage. I don't know any other way to describe it.
I will end here for now but continue this subject in my next entry.
Yet another part is my perception of time. Sometimes it is hard for me to realize how much time goes by. A month went by and I barely was aware of it. To me it only feels like a couple of weeks went by. Twenty years went by and it doesn't seem like that much time went by. What have I accomplished during that time? Not a whole lot. I spend time wishing I could go back and change so many things. Sometimes I even wish I could go back and somehow prevent my own birth from occurring if I had access to a time machine. Maybe I could go back in time to a point before my dad got married. I could become my dad's friend and convince him that having one child is much better than having two (since I was the second born). Perhaps even convince him to move out of New Jersey and head for the sunny shores of California. That way if I am destined to be born no matter what I do, at least I will be born somewhere I wish I could be and that could change my life for the better. Suppose I was able to go back in time and prevent my birth from taking place. Then I never would have been born. However, if I was never born then I never would have been able to go back in time in the first place to prevent my birth, and wouldn't my birth occur nevertheless? Quite the paradox.
This time of the year can be especially sad. My father's birthday is April 4th. I am quite happy he was born since he is very special to me. The sad part is that he passed away. My mother gets very sad this time of year not having him there with her. It is quite understandable. Last year around this time she was very sad and it might not have been just the fact that my father was not alive anymore. I was having a tough time finding work, the Social Security Department claimed I owed them $50,000 in disabilty pay I wasn't entitled to (in their infinite wisdom, I was diagnosed as disabled with mental illness by a doctor THEY sent me to), and I had about $100 in my bank account, not to mention the apartment complex I was living at was having me evicted since I was having difficulty paying rent. Although I am always racked with guilt (as a result of mental illness) I do not feel that any of these difficulties were my fault. I was job searching endlessly, to the point I was sick of searching. I sent out and hand delivered my resumes full of all the impressive fake information on them (after all, I wanted to GET a job, not get rejected so my truthful job history and education would not be much help). I figure if you can lie and get away with it and no one gets hurt, go right ahead. The corporations set up the standard, and I'm just living up to that standard the best I can and giving them what they want. It's all a pack of lies but I am giving them what they want. It's a win-win situation.
My mother and I talked on or around Easter of last year. We talked two times that day and the conversations were very pleasant. I kept the conversation upbeat because I was trying to think positively. The next day was a Monday and as I was getting ready for my temp job, my brother called early in the morning. He told me that she tried to kill herself. Apparently she also changed her mind and immediately after her attempt, she then called 911. She was in Somerset Medical Center's Emergency Room unconscience for a few days. Her blood pressure was low and I think they had to pump her stomach. He would visit her in the hospital and keep me informed as to her progress. My brother tends to be a self-centered, unsympathetic, incompassionate a**hole (if I may be blunt) so this kind of behavior was pretty impressive for him. Usually he does not offer much sympathy to anyone but expects all the sympathy for his own plight, whatever it may be. I theorize, that he feels (albeit subconsciously) that he is the center of the Universe and everything revolves around him. That his happiness and pleasure come before anyone else's.
It has always been difficult for me to grow up with my older brother. From his behavior through the years all the way to the present, he has acted incredibly immature and irresponsible. While growing up, I never really felt that his actions reflected that of an older brother (or a brother at all, in fact). He never protected me from kids that picked on me or hardly ever showed that he even cared. He DID help me to meet the high school psychiatrist and get assistance from her. I do give him credit for helping me to get in touch with people who help kids with psychological and emotional problems. He also did offer advice to me to try to help with the a**hole kids that gave me a hard time in school. Other than that, that was about the extent of his care and concern. Don't get me wrong, we spent time together doing things but looking back it was usually because he got something out of it. He didn't spend time with me because he wanted to do something nice for me. Even on Christmas and his birthday, if I didn't buy him a gift that he liked he would be bummed out the whole day. Yet the gifts he got me were nothing to brag about. I even found out that the gift he got me one year was just one of the free gifts you get when you sign up for a bank account. This wasn't even while we were teenagers but into adulthood. Even when I was on disability and had no money to spend I would do the best I could. He still wanted me to buy him a gift that cost $60 or $70 dollars, and the gift he got me cost him nothing!
I didn't even get any sympathy from my brother when I couldn't work due to depression. His general attitude (and his actual words, many-a-time) was, "Get a job". It almost seemed like he loved to instigate fights with me too. For instance, one time I was in my room with my back to the door as he came in. Out of the corner of my eye I saw him put something down and I turned as he started to leave. I simply asked him nicely, "What did you put in my room"? He then says with his usual crappy attitude in his voice, "Whatya gotta know for"? I responded, "Because I might like to read it". He then said something to me in reference to an incident earlier in the day where he failed to pick me up when he was supposed to. In that particular incident, he finally showed up at the school to pick me up after I had to call home to ask where he was. He doesn't even apologize for forgetting. I was very annoyed and I admit I was out of line because when I got in the car and we started driving off I asked, "How could you forget? Are you retarded or something"? He then back hands me in the face (which I didn't deserve) and I made a quick escape from the car. I didn't have my glasses since he had knocked them off my face but I was able to see fairly decent enough to get away. We hadn't gotten too far from the school so I ran to one of the school psychologists who I got help from and who was standing in front of the school. She took me inside the school and I explained what happened. She was nice enough to drop me off at home. As she drove off, I went inside to lay down since I was emotionally drained. One would think the story ends here, but wait there's more. I wake up to hear someone knocking on the front door. It was one of the school administrators. She had some of my belongings, books, coat, etc. She told me that some car came driving by the outside picnic area of the school and through all my stuff out of the car window. Yep, you guessed it. My a**hole brother. As usual he went into some kind of rage. I don't know any other way to describe it.
I will end here for now but continue this subject in my next entry.
posted by Conundrum of My Mind at 4/03/2006 10:43:00 AM
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