Not Looking for Trouble (But Somehow It Just Finds Me)

By now it was the late '90's and I was still searching. I was searching for a career path (although I still maintained an avid interest in my pursuit of becoming an actor) that would lead to that feeling of satisfaction one has (of course, I can only assume since I have never actually felt it but I have imagined what it must feel like) when one loves what they do. I thought that temp agencies would help me in my pursuit, but ultimately they didn't. They could get me positions that would pay ok but I knew I could do so much better (most positions temp agencies find are temporary and the hourly wage isn't very much, most of the time).

While working jobs with the best assistance temp agencies can provide, I also had other deep feelings and desires that drove me to search. Of course it was my search for love. Everyone wants and needs to be loved, and I was loved (and felt loved) by my parents, but I also felt an emptiness (I guess would be the best way to explain it). I didn't feel complete. I was lonely. In early '95 I had met someone when I was 25 (she was separated from her husband but I guess you could say, technically she was still married) at a support group (of all places) and we had a short lived fling. She was my first that I was intimate with. It was awkward and rather difficult since one of the medications I was on caused me to have difficulty maintaining an erection. The relationship was nice but not meant to be. Her therapist wanted to try to get her and her husband back together. I was very sad when I had heard this news from her. I knew she wasn't the love of my life but I wouldn't be able to see her anymore even as a friend. I eventually moved on.

I still wanted to have someone so I could feel more complete. I had joined a dating service "Great Expectations" and I would have to say that if anyone plans to join, don't expect much. It cost me two thousand dollars and all I ended up with was alot of rejections. Perhaps it was the type of women I asked out (I do have high standards), perhaps all women really are looking for their wealthy "knight in shining armor", perhaps a little of both, or perhaps, I didn't stay a member long enough (I was a member for one whole year). Who knows? Who cares? I don't. It's over with now and I vowed never to go back to "Great Desperations, I mean Expectations".

One thing I thought was that if I was to meet someone I needed to move out of my parents house. It just isn't excepted in American society, a 27 year old man living at home with his parents. Perhaps some might accept it but most women would probably think, "What's wrong with this guy?". At least that is what I thought (and for all I know, it's probably true). All I know is that I felt a need to move out regardless of what I felt others thought of me. I wanted to try life on my own and I felt it was time. I knew from the money I made (which wasn't much) that I would need a roommate.

At that time, I was attending a support group call "Emotions Anonymous". It was (and still is I suppose) a 12 step program to help with emotional difficulties (similar to how Alcoholics Anonymous helps with alcohol related problems). It was also a place to go and talk about emotional issues, and a chance to just meet others. There is where I met Emily (also known as "etrag", and who also likes the most horrendous music, i.e. cheesy heavy metal). She was a few years younger than me. At first I thought she was nice to talk to and be friends with but later on became a much different story. Etrag was one of those kinds of people that you could definitely say was a bit off center, but most would probably never realize it knowing her as a casual acquaintance. Etrag lived at home with her mom, dad and her younger sister (who was smokin' hot, by the way, but unfortunately was making wedding preparations).

Etrag and I got to be friends and we started e-mailing each other. One day she e-mailed me that her father is kicking her out of the house (her exact words). To be honest, I didn't really know her and I never met her parents so I had no idea what her parents were like. I only knew her for a few weeks maybe a little longer but I thought here is this very nice girl who is being kicked out onto the street by, perhaps, an abusive father (since I had no way of knowing) and she won't last a day out on the streets (not that I would do any better but I am a male). I really should have thought twice about getting involved with someone I knew only a short time and who I also met at an Emotions Anonymous meeting.

Apparently, although unbeknownst to me at the time, Etrag made it very difficult for her parents and hot younger sister to live with Etrag. She had some kind of problem with her younger sister. I remember reading in Etrag's journal that she had assualted and threatened her younger sister. Etrag was arrested by the police and spent the night in a jail cell. She seemed to have trouble controlling her anger and jealousy, most likely due to extremely low self esteem. There was more to Etrag such as (I found out later) that Etrag liked to mutilate herself with a knife. She would carve words into her arm like, "F**k You". Actions like self mutilation are a sign of a serious mental disorder, but I was completely unaware of this.

So her and I started to talk about being roommates and share an apartment together. We found a place that we both thought was acceptable and it was brand new too. We moved into an apartment in North Brunswick, New Jersey in April or May of '98. It's really not surprising I remember it because it was a living Hell for me. I don't remember exactly when things between us started taking a turn for the worse. She enjoyed punishing me from time to time. I think the first time she handed down a punishment to me was when I had accidently locked her out (and it was an honest mistake). She had gone out to the Emotions Anonymous meeting one night and I was in my room with my girlfriend. My room didn't have a lock on the door (yet) so I thought I better chain the front door of the apartment. One can still enter the apartment building, just not enter the apartment itself. I planned to unchain the door long before she got back, but she returned unexpectedly (which is not my fault, I mean honestly how am I to know?).

Now before anyone makes a judgement, if Etrag was home alone everyone would say that it is understandable for her to chain the door because she is a woman home alone. Well, I am a guy and if a criminal with a gun or a knife (and they do have them) breaks in, I can also be killed. Men are still susceptible to death. There never were any break-ins but I am just saying that things like that could happen anywhere. You never really know so it doesn't hurt to be safe. I chained the door for whatever reason, it's not a big freakin' deal. Except to Etrag. I heard her unlock the door, then attempting to open it, and then the sound of the door chain preventing it from opening. I then heard Etrag yelling from the apartment hallway. I flew over to the front door, it couldn't have taken but maybe 30 seconds or so. One look at her face and I could already see she was pissed. She asked why the door chain was on? I explained that I was in my room with my girlfriend and didn't know she was coming home early.

Now to a normal person, this would be an understandable reason. It was an honest mistake and afterall, it wasn't like Etrag was standing out in the hallway for half an hour while I was in the shower. She wasn't even waiting for 5 minutes. She didn't even have to wait 1 minute. She had no reason to be that mad, but she was. She walked away from me into the living room and while sitting down at her computer she stated my punishment as if she was the Queen of a foreign nation waving her hand in the air to issue her command. As my punishment, I could not use Etrag's computer till further notice (at the beginning of our friendly agreement to be roommates, she had said that her computer could be placed in the living room so that we could both use it to check e-mail, etc.). I have tried endlessly to understand Etrag's logic but I just don't understand it. I guess in Etrag's world, people don't make mistakes (or perhaps they do but mistakes are unforgiveable). I wonder if Etrag's rule about mistakes includes herself. I highly doubt it; she considered herself above any rules.

I had found that Etrag seemed unable or unwilling to offer any sense of compassion or sympathy for anyone else but herself. I remember before the first incident that gave her an excuse to issue her first punishment to me, that I was feeling down during my job hunt because a lot of jobs required someone with a degree and instead of her saying something to make me feel better, offering words of encouragement, all she could say was, "Yeah, not having a degree is really going to hurt you". In my mind I was thinking, "What kind of f**king thing is that to say to someone who is feeling down about that fact?" Etrag was a few sandwiches short of a picnic, in my opinion.

Unfortunately, the previous mentioned incidents weren't isolated ones. There was one occassion I left one dish (just one and only one) in the sink to clean later on after I got back from work or whatever I had to do that was more pressing, and because of that she decided to keep all of the dishes, glasses, and utencils locked in her bedroom. She eventually got angry at me again (but of course!) for some other thing I must have done and all the appliances went in her room as well. The funny part is, she thought that locking everything in her room would keep me from using everything, but I used to get past her locked door (which wasn't very hard to do) and use whatever I needed (I like to microwave my oatmeal in the morning so it's nice and warm, yummm!).

Even though eventually my debt to "Etrag's society" was paid back and she let me use her computer again, she would get mad at me for something and I would be restricted again. Eventually, I read in her computer manual how to open up the computer and essentially "make" the computer "forget" it's password. I outsmarted her, and the only reason I feel I had a right to outsmart her was that her punishments were unjust to begin with. She was basically on a "power trip" (and of course not to mention being a big f**king a**hole in the process). She was using me (and access to her computer) to have her sick fun "pulling my strings" like I'm her puppet (eventually I had had more than enough of Etrag's insanity and saved up enough to get my own computer, which happen to be way superior to her's).

Essentially, it was Etrag's way of giving herself confidence (albeit a false sense), power (once again, a false sense), and ultimately some kind of control in a world that all of us are powerless to control. However, Etrag didn't know how to deal with not getting her way and when she was angry it was basically similar to a child having a tantrum. Perhaps her parents didn't teach her or she was unable (or unwilling) to accept that you can't always get what you want. As a side note: I found it amazing that Etrag always felt she was more mature than me, yet I'm not the one sleeping on top of the toaster (watch out for the extra dark setting, yeowch!)

Etrag didn't just take her anger out on me, but she took it out on my friends as well. I had invited my good friends Ken and Tara to stay over (and why shouldn't I? I paid 50% of the rent so the place was half mine). She made them feel so unwelcome that they didn't want to stay there so they stayed with Ken's parents. She didn't even bother to try to get to know them! That's when I knew there was no going back; it was one thing if Etrag took her anger out on me, but taking it out on my friends who never did anything to her (and technically neither did I, when you really think about it) was another. I could forgive her for abusing me, but not my friends. That was beyond uncalled for.

I have to admit in all fairness that I wasn't a perfect roommate. I tended to be sloppy and have trouble with organization but it was in my own room and I would keep the door locked. The only sloppiness I did outside of my room was the one plate in the kitchen sink. Other than that, I kept my word to everything that Etrag and I agreed upon. On the other hand, Etrag didn't. She tended to have a problem with anything and everything I did. She felt I used too much toilet paper and quickly stopped supplying the bathroom with it. She would carry her own roll into the bathroom and then bring it back to her room (I would say just a bit peculiar and cheap!).

Now, I could understand if someone felt that their roommate played music too loud or the tv too loud or even used too much water, but when it comes to the area of the bathroom no one can say that someone else uses too much toilet paper. Why you ask? Because everyone has different needs. Maybe some else's waste (feces) tends to be a bit messier because of their diet. Maybe they don't want feces in their underwear. Maybe Etrag enjoyed skidmarks in her underwear (I tend to lean to this reason). Who knows? However, the point is that no one can make that call but the person who is actually going (making the poo poo).

During my time living there, unbeknownst to Etrag, I became friends with Etrag's boyfriend (I will respect his anonymity and not mention his name). It was quite accidental how he and I became friends. One day at the apartment I was home alone and the phone rang. I answered it and it was Etrag's boyfriend. He asked to speak with Etrag but seemed a bit distraught. I asked him if he is ok and we then began to talk. I don't remember the exact problem that had occurred since it was some time ago but essentially Etrag had done something to upset him (no surprise, since Etrag could drive anyone to drink). I told him that it's not him. That it's her without a doubt who reacts and acts abnormal (and I wasn't just saying it, it really was her). He told me that talking to me helped him to calm down. He was very grateful and we also agreed that we better not let Etrag know that he and I talked because she would most likely flipout on him (and probably me as well). It was nice to offer a helping hand to him. He was a nice person and was just with the wrong girl. I could never figure out why Etrag wanted a boyfriend. Most of the time she just wanted to be alone and I found out that she really didn't have much of a sex drive. I could never picture her expressing love to anyone (and God, I try not to! Let me just take a minute to get that image out of my head. Ok, moving right along).

Etrag's boyfriend also told me that Etrag would tell him lies about me. Etrag's biggest criticism of me seemed to be that I'm so lazy. Her boyfriend told me that upon hearing her say this he would think to himself, "How can he be lazy? He's never here". Which is true, I had a million things I had to do. To me, not washing one dish was not the end of the world; it could wait or she could certainly feel free to wash it herself if it bothers her that much (and she also knows where she can put it, to let it dry, that is). Her boyfriend also told me that he was there when she decided to put all the dishes in her bedroom because I left the one dirty dish. He felt too that it was strange that she would be so mad just because I left one dish in the sink (I think it's fair to say Etrag is a good candidate for anger management).

After I could not handle anymore of Etrag's immaturity, I found a new place to live. Etrag's parents (I suppose) did not like the idea of her coming back to live with them so they basically bought her a condo to live in since she certainly couldn't afford it (sort of a cage her parents keep her in that she can also let herself in and out of). Ironically, one of Etrag's biggest criticisms of me (and she had a lot of them) was that my parents were always helping me with everything (which they weren't; they only paid the insurance on my car). One time, in response to her criticism I said that her parents are paying off her condo for her so she shouldn't criticize me, and in response she tried to make up some lame excuse that made no sense that I can't even remember what she said.

At times when I think back over those events it does tend to evoke anger from me towards her, however I really do feel sorry for her and take pity on her. It also turned out that her Dad wasn't really kicking her out of the house. I met both of Etrag's parents and they were very nice people. Her Dad had said something to the effect that if Etrag is going to live under his roof, she has to behave accordingly. Saying Etrag tended to distort the truth is an understatement.