Falling Into the Cracks
While in college (this was the late 1980's early 1990's)(it is rather difficult to remember exactly), I was attempting to major in English and get a certificate in communications. For someone (meaning myself) with no real interest in anything (although I did (and still do) love video games, tv, movies, sci-fi), a sufferer of depression, low self esteem, and a personality disorder, college academics wasn't going well.
At this point, I decided to give up on communications and major in, of all things, law. Actually, just joking. I decided to become a business major. This was the last thing I ever thought I would major in considering I had long hair, a problem with authority, and a desire to "buck" the system. Nevertheless, that's what I did. Not long after beginning my new major in business, I was in one of my business classes and the professor was going over what would be required for her class. One of the things that we would have to do is a presentation in front of the rest of the class. So much for being a business major. Although later on I would get "bitten" by the acting bug, I wasn't at that stage at this point. Public speaking was not an option for me.
After the business major, I started thinking that computers were probably the way to go. So I changed my major to Computer Information Systems. I was still required to take some business courses but not the one involving public speaking. I felt safe, relatively speaking, of course. A few years later on, I would find out after an aptitude test that I do have the aptitude of a computer programmer. However, at this time in my life my mind was undergoing some kind of synaptic chaos, would be the best I could describe it, and I had difficulty absorbing information. It was almost as if something was literally "blocking" my mind from learning the material.
I was also continuing to get help from my therapist and psychiatrist and even the college psychiatrist. I don't want to sound ungrateful to them but I often have to ask myself, "What help did they provide?" I was still not making any progress and still had no clear objective or goals. Basically, I felt lonely, depressed, suicidal (many times), had suicidal idealization, hoped that God would let me die in my sleep, feelings of all of this is too much to handle, etc. All I really was hoping for was a girlfriend. I wanted to be loved. That was my answer to all my problems. If I could find a girlfriend I would then have the strength and inspiration to carry on. I would feel "worth" something. I admit, at times, I also wanted to have a girlfriend so I could get laid. However, I knew I wasn't the "love-em-and-leave-em" type; I am just too sensitive.
The core of my desire for a girlfriend was loneliness; it would have been nice to have someone to go out with on a Saturday night. Just a little romance would have been really nice to have. Even by the age I was at this time (early 20's) I hadn't ever had a girlfriend; not to say I didn't try. I guess the long hair (albeit kept well groomed) and glasses were a turn off. I didn't have my first girlfriend till I was 24 and that was after I gave up on college (and also had gotten rid of the glasses for contacts coincidentally). One of the main reasons I went to college was to meet girls. I couldn't even do that right.
It wasn't until many years later on that I started feeling that my problems were rather over-looked; that I had "fallen into the cracks" and wasn't getting the proper help I needed. At the time of my college struggles, I thought that there wasn't any more that anyone could do for me and this was as good as it gets. I made it clear to the people that were supposed to be helping me how I was doing in school, how I was feeling, etc. I suppose they just wrote it down and made a "note" of it. With no one assisting me to finish college or providing me with some kind of vocational training, I assumed that if I was to expect any success, it was going to have to come from me. Trouble is, I have no "drive", I do not know how to get "drive", or where I would even begin looking for "drive", or ambition, or confidence, or organization, or that feeling of "giving a damn about one's life instead of wishing you could just be watching television (and/or movies; I'm not picky) or playing video games and somehow make a lot of money doing that and if you can't, then you would rather not be alive anymore".
In case anyone out there is wondering, I do realize that these feelings sound disturbing and not "normal". I remember, not too long ago, I called a crisis hotline to "vent" some of these troublesome feelings and all the volunteer could really say is that these feelings are not normal for a 35 year old and that there are places that I can go to where I can get help. I thought to myself: D'uh! No sh*t Sherlock, why do you think I am calling a crisis hotline anyway? To get the date and time? Of course I know the feelings I have are not normal. I don't mean to be too harsh on someone (and these were just thoughts that occurred to me; I never said it to the actual person) but don't you hate it sometimes when someone just states the completely obvious? I mean, how does that help me, anyway? I have been in therapy and had a psychiatrist since I was 15 years old, I have been hospitalized for trying to hurt myself and for having feelings of wanting to hurt myself; of course I know there are places I can go to where I can get help. Unless this person was referring to some magical, mystical place where they wave the magical wand and everyone's problems are solved and everyone is eternally happy (like an insane asylum, for instance); other than that, then I have heard of every kind of place I can go to for help. The problem is, I never find the help I really need. It is due to my endless problem of always falling into the cracks. Although quite some time has past and I have changed, these feelings are still a part of me.
They always will be.
At this point, I decided to give up on communications and major in, of all things, law. Actually, just joking. I decided to become a business major. This was the last thing I ever thought I would major in considering I had long hair, a problem with authority, and a desire to "buck" the system. Nevertheless, that's what I did. Not long after beginning my new major in business, I was in one of my business classes and the professor was going over what would be required for her class. One of the things that we would have to do is a presentation in front of the rest of the class. So much for being a business major. Although later on I would get "bitten" by the acting bug, I wasn't at that stage at this point. Public speaking was not an option for me.
After the business major, I started thinking that computers were probably the way to go. So I changed my major to Computer Information Systems. I was still required to take some business courses but not the one involving public speaking. I felt safe, relatively speaking, of course. A few years later on, I would find out after an aptitude test that I do have the aptitude of a computer programmer. However, at this time in my life my mind was undergoing some kind of synaptic chaos, would be the best I could describe it, and I had difficulty absorbing information. It was almost as if something was literally "blocking" my mind from learning the material.
I was also continuing to get help from my therapist and psychiatrist and even the college psychiatrist. I don't want to sound ungrateful to them but I often have to ask myself, "What help did they provide?" I was still not making any progress and still had no clear objective or goals. Basically, I felt lonely, depressed, suicidal (many times), had suicidal idealization, hoped that God would let me die in my sleep, feelings of all of this is too much to handle, etc. All I really was hoping for was a girlfriend. I wanted to be loved. That was my answer to all my problems. If I could find a girlfriend I would then have the strength and inspiration to carry on. I would feel "worth" something. I admit, at times, I also wanted to have a girlfriend so I could get laid. However, I knew I wasn't the "love-em-and-leave-em" type; I am just too sensitive.
The core of my desire for a girlfriend was loneliness; it would have been nice to have someone to go out with on a Saturday night. Just a little romance would have been really nice to have. Even by the age I was at this time (early 20's) I hadn't ever had a girlfriend; not to say I didn't try. I guess the long hair (albeit kept well groomed) and glasses were a turn off. I didn't have my first girlfriend till I was 24 and that was after I gave up on college (and also had gotten rid of the glasses for contacts coincidentally). One of the main reasons I went to college was to meet girls. I couldn't even do that right.
It wasn't until many years later on that I started feeling that my problems were rather over-looked; that I had "fallen into the cracks" and wasn't getting the proper help I needed. At the time of my college struggles, I thought that there wasn't any more that anyone could do for me and this was as good as it gets. I made it clear to the people that were supposed to be helping me how I was doing in school, how I was feeling, etc. I suppose they just wrote it down and made a "note" of it. With no one assisting me to finish college or providing me with some kind of vocational training, I assumed that if I was to expect any success, it was going to have to come from me. Trouble is, I have no "drive", I do not know how to get "drive", or where I would even begin looking for "drive", or ambition, or confidence, or organization, or that feeling of "giving a damn about one's life instead of wishing you could just be watching television (and/or movies; I'm not picky) or playing video games and somehow make a lot of money doing that and if you can't, then you would rather not be alive anymore".
In case anyone out there is wondering, I do realize that these feelings sound disturbing and not "normal". I remember, not too long ago, I called a crisis hotline to "vent" some of these troublesome feelings and all the volunteer could really say is that these feelings are not normal for a 35 year old and that there are places that I can go to where I can get help. I thought to myself: D'uh! No sh*t Sherlock, why do you think I am calling a crisis hotline anyway? To get the date and time? Of course I know the feelings I have are not normal. I don't mean to be too harsh on someone (and these were just thoughts that occurred to me; I never said it to the actual person) but don't you hate it sometimes when someone just states the completely obvious? I mean, how does that help me, anyway? I have been in therapy and had a psychiatrist since I was 15 years old, I have been hospitalized for trying to hurt myself and for having feelings of wanting to hurt myself; of course I know there are places I can go to where I can get help. Unless this person was referring to some magical, mystical place where they wave the magical wand and everyone's problems are solved and everyone is eternally happy (like an insane asylum, for instance); other than that, then I have heard of every kind of place I can go to for help. The problem is, I never find the help I really need. It is due to my endless problem of always falling into the cracks. Although quite some time has past and I have changed, these feelings are still a part of me.
They always will be.
posted by Conundrum of My Mind at 12/19/2005 10:54:00 AM
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