Into The Great Wide Open

The year was 1994 and I had just dropped out (for lack of a better term) of Caldwell College located in the paradise of...Northern New Jersey. Well, actually at this point it was May and the semester had just ended. I finished the semester and just decided not to come back in the Fall so it might not be exactly dropping out. Contrary to what some might believe I had difficulty completing college due to my mental and emotional problems. For one thing, I often had difficulty concentrating. I also had no real drive or ambition, no "calling". In the beginning of my college life I had no clue as to what to do with my life and seven years later I still had no idea what I wanted to do with my life (Nineteen years later (from when I started college in 1987), as I write this blog, I still have no idea as to what to do with my life).

To be honest, and in all fairness to myself, I had (and still have) "ideas" as to what to do with my life but they were dreams built upon the wings of fantasies.

Ideas like:

• rock star
• actor
• astronaut (although that was more like when I was in the fifth grade)
• archeologist (this one was when I was in 7th grade and had just seen the movie "Raiders of the Lost Ark", and after all who wouldn't want to be like Indiana Jones. He's so cool!)
• poet laureate (ok, this one I just threw in because I thought it sounded good)
• video game creator
• radio disc jockey
• recording engineer

Perhaps some of these ideas were possible to obtain, but regardless of that fact, I had no confidence I could be any of them or even had an idea as to how to become them. It just all felt like it was too much work. It was over-whelming, I guess is the best way I could put it, looking back now. My feeling was that I just wanted to throw my arms up in the air and say, "I don't know what I want to do" (and I think I probably actually did do that or at least "mentally" did that).

I have done some acting (stage and independent screen projects) in the past and even some stand-up comedy. So I guess one could say that I have some drive and ambition, but is it realistic? Other than those and the others I listed, nothing else interests me. Perhaps it wouldn't be so bad if I didn't also suffer from major depression.

To pick up where I left off, college was over for me. I now was going to try to enter the work force. It sounds frightening to think about it and I've already lived through it. The best options I had before me was, in my opinion, retail. I didn't know really anything valuable about computers yet, and I didn't have one at home to use in my free time. There was also mail room work through temp agencies. I also didn't have much in savings, but I did live at home with my parents, so there was one saving grace. I mentioned before about acting I have done. Before I ended my academic career at Caldwell College, I had the pleasure of being in a play at the school. The play was Agatha Christie's "Ten Little Indians" and I played the character, Rodgers (the butler, and no the butler did not do it).

What's interesting to note is that I got into the play by accident. I never had any inclination of being in the play or doing any acting for that matter. The very notion terrified me. A friend of my mine at the college went to audition and asked me to go along with him. There wasn't a big turn out of auditioners so the director, who was also my history professor, asked if I wouldn't mind auditioning for a part. I was reluctant but my friend and the director encouraged me to audition so I did. I got the part and I found that I liked it. It was at this point that I felt that this might be what I would like to pursue. So after stopping my attendance (it sounds much nicer than "dropping out") at Caldwell College, I found some acting classes at a local community college, Raritan Valley Community College. I enrolled in the acting classes there and also got involved with plays there. At first I helped behind the scenes and then after a short time got cast in roles. I also did plays at Somerset Playhouse near Hillsborough, New Jersey.

During that time, I was receiving disability for depression. I would work part-time while going to acting classes. I would go over to the college (Raritan Valley) and use the computer lab there since I was a student. The World Wide Web had just came into existence and I became familiar with web sites (.com? What is that?) and e-mail as well as software programs (self taught). My very first e-mail address being with Hotmail (now I have too many addresses). Eventually I felt well enough to start working full time. Unfortunately the best I could do was a shipping manager position at a company in Somerset, New Jersey called NSG (they specialized in the manufacture of tiny lenses for CD players and such). I was called the shipping manager but there was no one that I supervised. Technically, I was the whole shipping department. The company at that time was rather small (but I suppose you figured that out already). I made a whole gigantic 8 dollars an hour, wow! Now I can retire early! Not quite.

We would get annual raises after our review. I never stayed long enough to find out if I would get a raise. I wouldn't say I hated the job but I definitely didn't love the job, but all the people there, except for one, were so nice. There was this one guy there who was hired to do construction. He was the biggest moron, jackass, and a**hole you could imagine. He loved to give me a problem. Whenever he would saw me (and I mean every time he saw me) he would do this really lame "Wayne's World" impression, you know, "party time", "excelleeeeeent" "whoa, dude!". I wasn't really sure where he was "coming from" so at first it was kind of funny (and I use the term funny in a very loose way). After a very short time it became extremely annoying and also clear to me that he wasn't laughing with me so much as he was doing it to laugh at me or mock me. That's a no no. I will not stand for that sh*t. He needs to grow the f**k up. I'm not exaggerating when I say that this dipsh*t needed some serious psychiatric help. I remember he flipped out at some truck driver who was making a delivery there. He claimed that the driver disrespected him somehow (it's not even worth remembering). What a crackpot, and even his partner felt that the guy's father must have really messed him up somehow.

I don't really know why he felt the need to harass me. Perhaps because he was jealous of me since I was young, had long blond hair, and blue eyes. Despite this, I still tried to talk to him and see if we could be friends. No such luck (but he was a big, dumb, fat, moron, a**hole anyway so why should I care?). I complained about him and he had to start watching his behavior around me, which he did. Oh, I made sure of that. However, the dipsh*t construction guy still loved to goof off and never do his work when the manager was away. He would talk to the ladies there, who worked on the lenses, and basically be a social butterfly (albeit the dipsh*t version). One day he just wouldn't shut up and I was trying so hard to train a new guy who was going to take over my job. I had had enough of the job after 6 or 7 months and I gave notice. Besides dealing with dipsh*t construction guy, I would also get tremendous headaches every Monday from stress. Shipments had to go out on Mondays and there would be alot of pressure.

I left and started other jobs that would last for a little while and then end, bouncing around, doing the job hopping thang, but all the whilst while doing these jobs my main interest was still being an actor. I wasn't sure what I should do as my regular job, though. I would still go over to the local community college (Raritan Valley) and use the computer lab there while doing plays. I also found jobs through temp agencies such as Kelly Services. I pretty much hacked around aimlessly in the full time job area. I also tried unsuccessfully to work with employment services and rehabilitation programs that are set up to help people with disabilities. The main problem being that my aptitude is too high for the kinds of jobs they find, i.e. working at WalMart or McDonald's. I don't want to say that these jobs are beneath me, but they are.